Grief sends a person in many directions. For the past nine months since mom died I’ve experienced a rainbow of emotions, which for the most part have remained under wraps. When a person experiences one loss, it’s tough. But when a person experiences a bunch of losses in succession, that’s even tougher. I of course, fall into the latter category with the latest loss occurring on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to me.
I heard various people say I was handing her death rather well, implying that people who break down in front of others are weak, I guess. At her funeral I was void of showing any emotion (except one instance where crying became contagious). Here’s a secret: while she was sick and I became sure that things weren’t going to get any better, I went to bookstores and read almost every book in the grief/death section so that I would be better prepared to deal. It didn’t make it any easier, but it did prep me for when it happened.
When a cousin’s unexpected death toward the end of the year ripped through the family, I felt it was my duty to be there. Perhaps it was too soon, since the nauseous feeling I had in the weeks following mom’s death returned. Nonetheless I fought through it and stayed there, attempting to be the rock they could lean on. I recall hearing his mother saying she didn’t know how I had the strength to get through this.
Here’s a secret: I’m fuckin’ TERRIFIED. I feel like my strength is a lie, a cover. It’s not me.
I deal by not dealing. I remained stoic throughout the entire year and dealt with my issues by pretending they didn’t exist. As far as I was and am still concerned, my mother didn’t look like herself in the casket. To this day I refuse to believe it was her in there, even though I know she’s never going to walk through that door. I actually admire those who can show emotion during times like that; I think they’re able to heal faster than someone like me who internalizes everything.
Mom’s loss definitely affected the way I interact in relationships with family, friends, etc. I noticed it the other day when someone said they’d stop by after work and never showed up, and when I didn’t hear back from one of my mom’s closest friends who I’ve grown attached to after calling her for the past couple weeks. I find myself getting close to others, and then pushing them away for fear of losing them too. This feeling of abandonment is at an all-time high.
I bought two bottles of wine and plan to finish one tonight. There are dark days ahead.
