I didn’t create this blog to gather pity from anyone, I hoped it would help sort out my feelings on everything, mostly those of anger. I also hoped it would get me back into the swing of writing. If anyone can get anything out of these entries, then that’s good too.
My mother’s passing was bad enough, but some of the things I’ve encountered from people made it a million times worse. And that’s why today I’m going to talk about proper etiquette in dealing with a friend who has suffered a loss:
- Do not look at your friend with pity. This is one thing I absolutely HATED even when my mom was alive. When friends came to visit her in the hospital, they looked at her with such sadness on their faces that I know it took a toll on my mom, who was normally a happy person. She would kick people out of the room if the mood became too dark for her to take. After her death, all the looks I got were ones of pity, like I wouldn’t be equipped to handle the situation. Newsflash: I’m a twentysomething, I have a job, and I have a good head on my shoulders.
- Do not ask your friend invasive questions. Two days after my mother died, the house phone was ringing off the hook. People asked me how my finances were, if I was going to stay in the apartment, If I was going to get a roommate, and when the funeral was. Now the last question isn’t really so much invasive, but at the same time I was still trying to wrap my mind around planning the funeral, finding all the information my mom had left for me, and figuring out how I was going to do this all on my own. One lady called the house and started grilling me from the moment I picked up the phone: “When is the funeral going to be? Is it going to be in such and such church? What day will it be? Is it going to be in the morning or the evening?” Honestly, that was the only time I lost my cool and started yelling at someone through the whole ordeal. As for the other questions, if they’re something you wouldn’t normally ask that person, then it’s still none of your business even when death is involved.
- Do not ever compare your friend’s death to anything else unless you have experienced a similar, if not the same, kind of loss. I actually ended up talking to a UPS man my mom knew very well and discussed the whole ordeal. I learned that he had dealt with the same thing when his son passed. The things people said to him were unbelievable; one compared him losing his son to someone losing their job. Also, a person mourning the loss of a pet should not compare that to the loss of a relative, it’s not the same no matter how much you try to convince yourself it is.
- If you’ve recently lost someone close to you, do not throw that on your friend in conversation. Just because you’re going through the same thing doesn’t mean your friend is now your grief counselor. This summer, a friend of mine that I hadn’t talked to in months came to me about his friend’s death. Being that we hadn’t talked in months and the first thing out of his mouth was this, and being that it had been approximately three months after my mother was buried, the conversation was not only uncomfortable for me but it was something I really didn’t want to hear about. One thing people have to understand is just because a person has experienced death in their lives doesn’t mean they want to talk about it 24/7. It also doesn’t make them well-equipped to answer questions, especially if they’re still dealing with grief themselves.
- Don’t try to find the right words. If you have nothing to say, it’s okay. Seriously. Another thing I encountered were people who said things like “She’s in a better place now,” “At least she’s no longer suffering,” or, “She’s with her maker now.” These words did not make me feel better by any means. I remember a friend called to check up on me and see how I was doing, and after a while there was a lag in the conversation. I knew she was trying to find the right words to say, and I told her to stop. It was enough that she cared to call, and that made my day. It’s okay to feel awkward, just so long as you’re there for the person and the person knows it.
If anyone has anything to add onto the list, feel free.
